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Kiir mulls December polls after seeing Kagame hit 99%

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Kiir mulls December polls after seeing Kagame hit 99%
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South Sudan President Salva Kiir was Tuesday mulling reviving the idea of organising elections in December after receiving the least-surprising news of the week - that President Paul Kagame had hit home a routine landslide.

Uncle Paul of the central African nation haters like calling "tiny" showed that his size might be small but his votes are big. He hit 99.15% even before the electoral commission were done tallying.

"What?! You mean it's possible?" exclaimed Kiir as a bottle of whiskey slipped from his hand and shattered on the floor.

Insiders say the shocked Kiir for once took off his kofira and wiped bids of sweat on his pate as he repeatedly asked his aides to confirm it was not a Mundukurat game.

At this point, one of the aides leaned closer and whispered something that left Kiir mopping his lower lip with his tongue more furiously than a Friesian cow that has just been fed Danish molasses would.

It is not clear what was said but from the reaction, one could tell it was an even more encouraging news for the leader of the world's newest nation who catches epileptic seizures every time an election is mentioned.

Last year, some donors massaged Kiir with promise of free supply of whiskey if he organised at least a semblance of an election and he assured them that on that score, he would risk the drill in December.

However, his cold feet had the better of him. It is believed the idea of a December election only passes as a fleeting thought in Kiir and the possibility of it happening is as high as that of Museveni and Kagame meeting to agree to step down.

A source in Kiir's inner circle says what the aide had whispered that left the president in tongue-whetting moment were related to election figures.

"To be specific, the man whispered that Saddam Hussein and Kim Jong Un had left no chance on the table by hitting 100 percent in elections in which they were the sole candidate," the source intimated to this fabler.

"The President was amazed, he is so over the moon with the idea of seeing himself join the illustrious league of extra-ordinary election winners."

Apparently, Kiir has been saying his protector and mentor Yoweri Museveni has beaten him in everything but now he can get even with just one thumping election result.

"Man, he says it looks so easy, he's locked himself in the library reading up on election victories," the source added.

At the time of writing this, Kiir had just found out that Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein actually had two landslide wins before Uncle Sam interfered with the nature of democracy the mustachioed leader was serving his oil-rich nation.

Reading it out lout, Kiir was all happy as he said: "A presidential referendum was held in Iraq on October 15, 1995. It was the first direct presidential election under the rule of Saddam Hussein, who had seized power through the Revolutionary Command Council (RCC) in 1979.

"Taking the form of a referendum with no other candidates, the election involved giving voters paper ballots that said: "Do you approve of President Saddam Hussein being the President of the Republic?"

"They then used pens to mark "yes" or "no". The next day, Izzat Ibrahim al-Douri, Hussein's deputy in the ruling RCC, announced the incumbent had won 99.96 percent."

In 2003, Saddam topped his personal best election performance by securing 100 percent of the vote in another referendum.

Some voters marked their yes-or-no ballots with bloody fingerprints as a sign of loyalty.

"This is a unique manifestation of democracy, which is superior to all other forms of democracies even in these countries which are besieging Iraq and trying to suffocate it," Ibrahim said at a news conference in Baghdad.

Picking the telephone, Kiir called up one of his five vice-presidents and happily announced his intention to go to polls.

"Wani Iga, we've been fearing this thing for nothing," he said. "Jong Un was still a boy albeit moving in a tent-like trousers when he hit 100 percent in 2014 while his father Kim Jong-il did 99.9 percent seven years earlier."

Wani Iga picked up from Kiir: "Raul Castro earned 99.4 percent votes in the 2008 Cuban election and Syria's Bashar al-Assad secured 97.6 percent votes for his 2007 presidential referendum. I don't see how they are better than us since we are also revolutionaries," he said.

"Yes, even Kagame is a revolutionary," Kiir said, nodding. "By the way, I hear Turkmenistan's Saparmurat Niyazov in 1992 and Chechnya's United Russian Party in 2011 both secured 99.5 percent."

What is stopping us? The two had said in unison over the telephone.

But there is a plot twist: When Kiir called Kigali to congratulate Kagame, he was warned to Juba is not a Letter K.

"I know your name is Letter K. But my capital is Kigali and the other is Kampala, yours is Juba," an official said.

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